


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,174

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [50]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8232025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues, as Obi spends ten long days in a bacta tank, has a heart to heart with Greedo, and Tatooine is invaded by THREE Sith. www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

TATOOINE - Day 1,174:

For ten useless days I floated around in a bacta tank. Typically, when an individual is placed in one of these healing tanks a mild coma is induced in order to relax the patient and speed up recovery. For a Jedi it is different, although I was administered the drug, I stayed conscious. I was unable to open my eyes or move, but I was fully aware of every healing second that passed. I was aware when I was having uncontrollable liquid bowel movements due to my intravenous liquid diet. I was aware each time they pulled me out of the tank to change my diaper. I was aware of the female Rodian nurse who would play with my ding-a-ling, as if she had never seen a human one before. But most unfortunately, I was aware of the chaos that waited for me once I was released from my liquid tomb. 

So for ten days every second was spent worrying about where drunken Uncle Owen had taken Luke. I could sense that Luke was still on Tatooine and was not suffering, but how long would this last? Then there was Kilgore's escape with his Wookiee prisoners, followed by Chewie and Han in hot pursuit. What became of them? So much could have happened in ten long days. But my thoughts always came back to Beru, and my child she carried inside of her. Was she safe, and when would I see her again?

As a result of Chewie kicking my ass and my hallucinogenic battle with Kilgore, I had suffered a concussion, sprained neck, broken ribs and nose, a shattered shoulder, all kinds of internal bleeding, the works. But on the tenth day I was magically healed. Drained from the tank, I was handed my robes and bid a fond farewell, especially from the Rodian nurse. 

I left the medical clinic, "Bacta Yourself," and with my pruned hands headed straight for the Cantina, not for a much needed drink, but for information. The Kilgore incident had to have made some noise in the galaxy, and if anyone was around to hear it it would be the patrons of the Cantina. After all, Kilgore was using the Wookiees as a cover to infiltrate the Empire. He intended to challenge Vader for his spot as The Emperor's lapdog. If that didn't make news I had no idea what would. 

I entered the nearly empty Cantina, and immediately spotted a familiar face. Greedo had been a major thorn in my side for quite some time. So when he noticed me, I smiled, and began Force choking him from across the room. His associates thought he was choking on something and started hitting him on the back. It was hilarious. 

I moved to the table where he was sitting and released my hold on him. Sitting down, I turned to his two associates, "Excuse me gentleman, I have business to discuss with Greedo."

Seeing the fear in the Rodian's big black eyes, they sprang out of their seats and took off. 

"I, I, I'm a bounty hunter, Ben," he babbled. "I was just doing my job."

Leaning across the table, I made sure that my message came across extremely loud and clear. "Just shut up, and quit groveling. I'm going to ask you a few questions and you’re going to answer them. Any extra drama, and you're getting a lightsaber into your belly. Understood?"

"O-o-o-kay," he stuttered, and inched back into his seat.

"Question one," I sneered at Greedo, "why are you no longer with Kilgore?"

"Well, Ben. Can I call you Ben?"

Through clenched teeth I attempted to control the volume of my speech. "Answer the damn question before I turn you into a lizard shish kabob right under this table." 

"Right, of course." He attempted to slide a little further away from me. "As soon as Kilgore made contact with the Imperial Star Destroyer, he shoved the three of us into an escape pod and jettisoned us out into space."

"So you, Bossk, and Dengar all came back to Tatooine?" 

"Yes," Greedo said. "Bossk and Dengar went straight to Jabba's Palace in order to find work. I decided to take a little time off." Greedo attempted a smile. His long lizard lips disgusted me. 

I rubbed my beard in deep thought. "And the ship that was pursuing you, the Slave I, what happened to it?" I was hoping that Chewie and Han had survived. 

"They...ah, broke off the attack as soon as the Imperial Star Destroyer came within range."

Of course, they would have to do that, I thought. But where have they been since?

"Now, Greedo," I stared intensely into his large disc shaped eyes, "you're telling me that as far as you know, when you left Kilgore's ship he was about to dock with the Star Destroyer?"

"Yes, Ben. Er, I mean, yes." Greedo fidgeted with his suction cup finger tips. "The last thing I heard him say was that he just got cleared to dock."

"Ok Greedo," I smiled the most diplomatic Jedi smile I could, "after everything you put me through, I should slice out those big ugly eyes of yours."

"No please sir, don't." He was panicking now. 

"Instead," I raised my voice over his pathetic pleading, "I'm going to ask you one more question, and I want you to carefully consider the answer before speaking."

"Okay." He was visibly shaking. 

"During your brief escape with Kilgore and the Wookiee prisoners, did anything out of the ordinary happen, that you forgot to mention?"

"Um no, not that I..." he suddenly sat straight up, "…wait! There was the container!"

"Container?"

"Yes! As soon as we got out of Tatooine's orbit we picked up a container that was just floating in space."

"Interesting," I twirled my beard with my index finger. "What did it look like?"

"That's the strange thing. It was as black as space, and tall and thin like a person. But Kilgore wouldn't let any of us go near it, and he never opened it while we were still on the ship."

"Thank you, my Rodian...acquaintance." I felt he had served his purpose and it was time to let him off the hook. "Seeing that you have not been deceptive in any way, I'm going to let you go now. So why don't you get out of Mos Eisley, because this is my town. And pray that our paths never cross again."

"Of course, of course!" Greedo struggled to get out of the booth as fast as he could. Before he was even able to get to his feet he fell to the floor. 

That's when I noticed that Greedo was wearing women's high heeled shoes. Stranger, and stranger, I thought. 

I went to my hut in hopes of finding some trace of Luke, or Chewie and Han. I had no luck. Neither did I find anything new at the Lars homestead. I decided that for the time being, my best bet would be to seek out Bossk and Dengar at Jabba's Palace. Maybe they could shed some light on Chewie and Han's disappearance. And since Jabba had his fat fingers in every pot on Tatooine, I was hoping maybe he had some news about a drunkard going into hiding with a little boy. 

From the Lars place I took my landspeeder through Slauce Canyon as a shortcut to Mos Eisley, and then would make my way up the Great Mesra Plateau to Jabba's Palace. But as I was passing Mos Eisley I heard a terrible noise from above. 

Flying low, a transport vessel, that looked identical to Kilgore's, roared over me. Behind it zoomed a black TIE fighter with curved solar array wings. It fired its heavy twin blaster cannons mercilessly at the transport ship. 

The pursued vessel skimmed a couple of dunes and then crashed directly outside the busy streets of Mos Eisley. I hid my landspeeder behind a wall of sand, and peeking over the top I used my electrobinoculars to get a closer view of the action. 

From out of the burning wreckage I saw Kilgore leap out. He was followed by another figure, a figure I could not make out because of his black cloak and hood. The TIE that had been pursuing them now landed causing a small dust storm. It was enough wind to blow off the hood of Kilgore's companion. I felt my stomach drop as I stared at the former "Darth" Maul. 

Things went from bad to worse as the pilot exited the TIE fighter. I shook my electrobinoculars, hoping there was something wrong with them. I suddenly felt like I was dreaming, or tripping on Bockta flowers again. 

Standing in the swirls of sand, just outside of Mos Eisley, was Kilgore, Maul, and... Darth Vader!

And boy, did I have a bad feeling about this.


End file.
